September 29, 2014

  • Something very weird

    As it happens, some things I wrote recently were hurtful to people I care about - and I tried to delete them- wound up deleting them from when I'm logged in BUT NOT FOR THE PUBLIC AT LARGE, go figure! Then I locked my account, which works in Chrome but not in Firefox, it's wide open as ever. So I sort of give up, for the time being. I always wanted readers - and now I don't. But I don't want to lose my site either, it's been a blessing to me over these many years.

September 16, 2014

November 1, 2013

May 24, 2013

  • shoutout to the universe

    Please pray for my friend and his daughter.  She's about 23, artistic, made a lot of bad choices, had a lot of stubborn pride, cannot seem to get her balance back, all her options shut down at the moment, finally feeling despair - needs help, as does my friend.  What do I know - when I was in that situation we made every wrong choice though God knows (and He Does Know) we did/tried the best as hard as we could.  Any prayers, thoughts, greatly appreciated.
    She could have had every advantage but has one by one thrown them away - some not to be regained - but she was v. young and didn't understand, until it is too late.  A common human experience, no?  Yes.  *feels grief*

February 13, 2013

  • Haven't written in a long time

    I have often had something to say or a NEED to say something - but no time at that moment - and when the moment passes so have my thoughts - I am struggling and believe if I wrote more often I'd be stronger - so I am going to try - for my own sake alone.  I used to write online A LOT - but I went to work full time in 2004 - not long after starting this blog - continued to write but have slowly run out of steam - trying to re-stoke the furnace.  Gat no heat as it were.     

    Life siphons off life - heat is life, heat, light, enthusiasm, understanding, desire - all that stuff is "life" - and for most of us it doesn't disappear all at once - but is gradual.  I guess it's good.  I told my sister once, life is a matter of being given everything, taking it all for granted - and then gradually bit by bit it is taken away - and when it is gone, you realize how wonderful it was - so true with people, but things too.  We are too rushed, too limited, to really attend to all the things in our lives at a given moment - it seems only the painful things get much attention, so it seems like hell.  But it isn't not really.  Pardon the "we" business - it's one of my "things" that we are all in this together and what is true and real for me is pretty much the same for everyone else.  I could be wrong, but no one has proved it to me yet.

    I am at work now - and should be working - I waste a lot of time at work surfing the net to no purpose - I think a little self expression will help me more.  My big stressors - not the same for you I'm sure, but I'm sure you have some big ones too - my son's death, his becoming a fading memory - a questioning of all reality because he was so big to me and he's gone now, will be 7 years in May - my youngest son's struggles to become an independent adult - he's got a good job - but is living back at home with us and still needs to pass another exam to be licensed in GA - he's licensed in SC but that's not enough - he has no significant other and he's 27 - many friends but not sure he won't plummet into despair at any moment - I guess I see myself reflected in him - he may be doing fine, what do I know - my sister's struggles caring for our mother, 4 1/2 years now, alzheimers which has gotten much worse over the last six months - barely speaks now, spits at my sister, doesn't toilet herself, barely eats - my sister is trying to place her in a nursing home and is losing her mind having her mother 24/7 so hostile - and I feel so guilty she has born the weight of it - but not guilty enough to say ok you've done enough let me take over - we couldn't make the decision to send her to "a home" and now we tremble in fear that they may not accept her.  My physical pain - I broke my ankle for the second time 3 years ago today.   It was HELL - but one of those things where you have NO CHOICE but to "soldier on" - my boss's expression - I fell again last January in a meter hole and injured it again - but never went to the doctor - since then I have had serious pain in the knee of the other leg - and on and off "shin splints" - it's funny how one's strength and courage is sapped by physical pain - it's a constant battle to keep weight down, exercise enough, find the right shoes - sometimes I win a battle sometimes I lose - but I keep fighting - one thing my mother's illness has shown me - how precious it is to be in command of one's own body and one's own mind - I think I don't have any control over either - I don't have all I want - but I have a lot.  Be content with such things as ye have so it says. God knows I'm trying.  One happy thought I had this morning - I can't decide whether I have any faith or not, whether life goes on or not - but I do know in an extremity I cry out for H E L P .  And then I think, if I asked more often I'd get more help - but then I realized - I believe - that he/she/it knows my inner desires/needs better than me - just need to relax - let it be - let it bleed - being is bleeding, that's all.  God bless us every one, fight the good fight you guys. 

January 11, 2013

  • My mother has alzheimer's

    My sister has been caring for her for over 4 years - the last few months have been extra hard.  She can't walk safely except when she shifts to maniac mode, when she is as mobile as ever in her life.  But otherwise, very unsteady and feeble.  Apparently she can't switch between the two at will.  What will.  Like her reason, it's elsewhere.  She doesn't sleep well at night now, up again and again, hard for my sister to sleep.  Yes we are using medication.  Yes there are problems.  Last night she got out of bed and apparently fell on the floor, apparently not hurt, apparently able to reach the comforter on her bed, and she went back to sleep.  But in the morning she couldn't get off the floor - my sister had to call 911 - the firemen came.  First time for that one.  How many more "firsts" will there be.  Here's a picture - my sister sent it to me, called her Sleeping Beauty - and she does look beautiful to me. 

November 17, 2012

  • uprooting bitter roots and McCartney was right

    Ok this has to be fast, I don't have time, may edit later, but do NOT want to lose these thoughts, as I believe they will be so helpful to me.  Maybe I'm just being captain obvious but these are new ideas to me, today. 

    It's not getting what we really want that = UNHAPPY which is just another way to say BITTER.  Mary = Miriam in Hebrew = "marah" as Naomi said "call me marah", Naomi is Pleasant, Marah is BITTER - also called "rebel" - being unhappy is actually being rebellious against How Things Are - well we do time in every state of mind - but I keep hoping I can get ENOUGH UNDERSTANDING that I am steering my own ship rather than be tossed about as it were.

    Take heed, brethren, lest there be in any of you an evil heart of unbelief, in departing from the living God, Heb 3:12, alongside, Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled, Heb 12:14.

    McCartney said HEY JUDE, DON'T MAKE IT BAD, TAKE A SAD SONG AND MAKE IT BETTER.   But Lord, it's ALREADY BAD - no it's not, it's just Necessary as it were (Tool).  It isn't BAD until you get BITTER about it.  Such a simple remedy so readily at hand - the LEAST EFFORT (faith as a grain of mustard seed) to IMPROVE ANYTHING - is INCREDIBLY CURATIVE.  Ideally we would like to do a great big improvement but not everyone can find a cure for polio - ANY IMPROVEMENT - OF ANY KIND - lifts one's Spirit - yes the more weighty the better but whatever you can do JUST DO IT - something nice or better - for another person is heavier but heck even making your cat happy is good - the least thing, start small and KEEP GOING - brush your teeth, straighten a drawer - then - move on to world peace - hey pal THIS WORLD IS A SAD SONG - a long attenuated WAIL - but it's just to make us resourceful, to find out what we can do - Frankie Laine, We'll Be Together Again, love that song, same idea "don't let The Blues make you Bad" - right now our house is the happiest it has been in a long time - when people are happy they are very nice - when they are pressured and afraid not so much - I am enjoying the happiness and trying to gird my loins so to speak for the next valley.

    A new thought about those Hebrews verses up there - that's the bible book that has the three verses that whacked out John Bunyan and also my dear son, about the things you can do to make god hate you forever, Heb 10 and 12, I'll let you find them, they rather leap out to the fearful minded.  But...I am Not Afraid anymore.  And yet I still find good food for thought in scripture.  Now I think a root of bitterness is any little thing that is making one unhappy - I'm kind of unhappy about bombing the Gaza strip today - I'm not doing it, didn't give permission, but just thinking of how it would be with bombs falling all around, yes I know there are reasons behind it - whatever - I can't help that situation as far as I know - so I am going to leave it alone, and busy myself in some arena where I can be helpful.  Going shopping for Sunday dinner tmrw.  I did not realize how important it is to fix those "little unhappinesses" before they spring up from the root and ROT ONE'S ENTIRE PERSON.  Because now I think that's the idea, the "many" is the Totality of Oneself to me.  Many and Few, it's all in me.  Few there be that find it.  A blessing, when noted and appreciated is also a Root - not of Bitterness but of Pleasantness - I have so many blessings (but fearful of loss - my bad habits deeply ingrained - but recognition can help, I hope) - to stop and be glad brings more gladness, just like dwelling on sadness sends one DOWN.  I don't despise the despondent, I understand some wounds are so powerful resistance is nearly impossible.  That was me at one time.  But I am better now.  I can take the wounds and wait and wait and keep waiting.  Till the dawn.

November 14, 2012

  • Thanksgiving

    They say atheists have no one to thank.  My son said I was no better than an atheist.  (I was going to use his picture but I can't look at his face without crying.  I forgive me.  I have suffered, whether deservedly or not I can't tell, it seems like it was worse than what I deserved but I don't know really. The picture is my mother and I from about 2 years ago - she is much worse now.) Someone said the protestant reformation gave everyone the right to become his own pope.  When I was a child I thought as a child.  When I became a man I had to take responsibility for my own choices.  Are you experienced said Hendrix?  An adult is experienced, a child is not - an adult knows what is helpful/healthful and what is toxic - yet sometimes even an adult does not have the strength to choose the Good.  God I want to be Good.  But it's damned hard.

    I am thankful, when I stop to think.  There are two kinds of thinking, one running helter skelter out of control, that's "normal" for me, and it's the path to DARKNESS - show me the Light, make my Life worth Something More (Sevendust).  There is another kind of thinking, more objective, calmer, that will show a person all there is to be glad about.  And gladness increases gladness.

    I am thankful I have a job to go to this morning, to control my helter skelter mind a little bit.  I am thankful my youngest passed his licensing exam, but it is so hard, waiting for actually getting the license and getting a job, I am afraid for him with idle time.  See, the helter skelter comes back in a moment.  My mother has alzheimer's and pees on the floor every day- she pulls her depends down and does it deliberately - my sister is not angry, she is sad, but she steam cleans every day.  It's amazing what we can learn to cope with.  If so be ye have tasted that the Lord is Gracious - he will make you able, if you ask.  I want to just have happy times, a "time of refreshing" if you will - but if I must have hard times, I want power to rise above.  Help me Lord.

    I am thankful for this xanga blog - when I can't tell anyone else, I can speak here, with a Hope that someone Hears - that's all that is required, to be heard, with understanding.  I can hear myself, and understand myself, when I speak here.