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| This post was back in mid April - were supposed to get results on what "stage" the tumor was 10 days ago, couldn't begin radiation until results came back, CAME TODAY, STAGE 2 NOT STAGE 3 NO RADIATION OR CHEMO NEEDED, we are SO GRATEFUL - thanks to any and everyone who thought about us, cared/prayed - and we'll take a little more as you think of us, still a ways to recover, but VERY VERY GRATEFUL!!!
My sister in law Liz is in surgery now for a brain tumor, she just found out 4 days ago. I hardly know anyone in "real life" to ask for help, so I'm asking anyone who ever checks in here, to please pray for her and my brother Greg. I will follow up with an update when I know more - they are optimistic but of course troubled too. thank you.
Update - she came through surgery well, no headaches or seizures thus far, didn't have to shave her long curly naturally reddish gold hair. But it's likely a grade 3 cancer, final tests back on Wed. She will have to have radiation and chemo, a hard road of treatment ahead - and the prognosis is um guarded. Continued prayers for Liz and my brother greatly appreciated. He was retiring the end of May, they had built a cabin in the mountains, did most of the work themselves. Please pray that they can enjoy it for a little while. Thanks.
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| My previous post, my sister in law Liz just learned she has a brain tumor a week ago, had surgery Sat, long term survival prospects not very encouraging, but not hopeless. We are all shaken, esp my brother Greg. However, an email from my sister this morning, she got a call from my brother:
He said Liz actually got up and went for a walk but was still in ICU because they didn't have another room ready. She actually may go home today! It sounds like she's doing VERY WELL, but he said she definitely will be having radiation and chemo. I feel like it's going to be alright though. From things I read online, she is doing amazingly well. Greg sounded in better spirits too. I had to talk a bit at one of my old haunts, Christian Counterpoint - my thoughts below.
I love to try to get a bead on what is true, what is eternal, what is real - I guess that's the mind - mind games. But the body - when it breaks down, the mind goes right down the toilet, it's like "who cares". At least that's how it is with me - when something is seriously wrong. I have never had anything wrong with me that did not get better - not back to normal but always I could look forward to improvement - my last broken ankle doing very well. But our bodies are created to break down slowly - or in many cases just be crushed in one fell swoop - but most of us go down slowly.
Romans 7:23-25 - But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members. O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death? I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord. So then with the mind I myself serve the law of God; but with the flesh the law of sin.
I've got all new meanings for all those old familiar religious words, "sin", "law", "flesh" - death. "Behold I make all things new." He sure does, but what he didn't tell you is that "new" is also Peculiar - a Peculiar People - and getting all the more peculiar all the time, purifying unto himself a peculiar people -we are perfecting holiness - becoming more focusedly what we were ordained to be from the beginning - I don't know that we can really see our own developing Peculiarity - "holiness" - it means "Set apart" some say - literally it's the same through and through, not a spot or blemish or deviation of any kind. We can't live like that with one another -we have to learn to dodge and weave - I remember Marillyn shooting an idea down here years ago as being like the snake that can twist and turn - well that's a great ability to have, you can live and be a force a lot longer if you can do it - if you can't, you break early on. It's funny, Liz's mother is still living, she's NINETY SIX, and has her mind and can walk/etc. My dad died at 74, he'd been incompetent for two years before that. My son died at 26, of his own will, but I think he wanted to live, just couldn't figure out how, he twisted and turned with the best of them. Jesus died at 30 - no man takes my life from me, I lay it down of myself. Really? I thought he was delivered into the hands of "sinful men". Howl ye rich men, your miseries have come upon you - you have condemned and killed the just, and he does not resist you, James 5.
A secular quote, "exercise eat right die anyway". The conclusion of some, since I can't win, I won't even play. That's the mind they are given, the best they have to give back I guess. But I believe everyone who plays "wins" - you reap what you sow - in spades. To keep giving what you have to give - as pointless as it may seem, from a logical, "carnal" point of view - but just because can - what can I give him, poor that I am - give what you are, with all you are, as long as "you are".
When physical trouble happens to someone you care about, that's when it gets really interesting - it's easier for the sick one really, they are too miserable to worry or think - but the one who loves is twisting and turning, desperately trying to make sense, see how All is Right with the World when something so terrible is happening (from a Robt Browning poem, Pippa Passes, a poor orphan endures her troubles because God is in Heaven, and thus all must be right with the world - Rev 4:11, all things were and are created for his pleasure.)
Thanks for letting me ramble around. I will throw out my definitions - mostly based on the literal meaning of Hebrew and Greek - in the OT "sin" is breaking down, destroying. In the Greek it's Missing Your Portion (a failure to be Peculiar imo, doing what everyone else does, not what is your calling - I forgive all sinners from my heart, as it is very lonely being so perfectly unique - we were not made to be alone..) Flesh in the OT, it's the same as Glad Tidings, Fresh, ALIVE. (H1320 Strong's is Flesh, from H1319, Glad Tidings) The Mind is kind of deadly, really. But utterly dependent on the Body, if you think about it - without the body the mind wouldn't have any raw data to play with, for one thing.
Dead in Hebrew and Greek just means dead. But I have run across other words, can't find them easily - somehow to me it means struck dumb, rendered inert, unable to make a difference. I don't mind so much now, that I can't make much difference in this world - it's not my job to "bring in the kingdom" (what the Methodists I grew up with believed, our job to create heaven on earth, kind of like the political liberals) - my job is to be careful how the world changes me - not conformed but transformed, from glory to glory. Rom 12:2, II Cor 3:18.
But ever-in-the-process-of-being-transformed (aka ALIVE) intensely peculiar people are the ones who bring change to the world - is it the Buddhists who say "be the change you want to see in the world" - an Example does more than "teaching" for sure. The most powerful force for personal change is one's own experience however. Esp painful experience - "passion of the christ". Afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness.
Eccl 9: 14-15 - There was a little city, and few men within it; and there came a great king against it, and besieged it, and built great bulwarks against it: Now there was found in it a poor wise man, and he by his wisdom delivered the city; yet no man remembered that same poor man.
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Actually, it's more about how you know what to do, and how you can feel ok in life. But I needed a short title. The website where I put it didn't like it much, but I got a lot out of it - just goes to show, you can't get much without giving. But people really don't want to hear your own inner guide, show the fruit, that will attract attention, but all lecturers, me included, are boring. However, I don't bore myself. :~) | | |
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I will try to keep this anonymous. I need to talk about it a little bit though, somewhere. I am, for good or ill, past the point now that I EVER DELIBERATELY try to evoke anger in someone else - the head to head butting is over, for me. (I suppose there are unforeseen things that could make me do it again - I don't know - it only ever really happened inside my own mind, that seething rage against my perceived adversaries - but it's over now, for good, I think - you can't be enraged at those on the other side if you have decided they have a reason for their point of view, even if that reason is not the most important factor in your own mind.)
I had too much to drink and acted badly. I have apologized. And I guess the apology is accepted - outwardly it is. But you know how it is, wounded feelings don't heal immediately. This person and I have quite a long history, we have overcome a lot. But I am always afraid something will finish us off. This person used to be angry with me nearly all the time, and then suddenly we got well - and now we are sick again. I have to make sure my own response is right - hence this blog - not to be angry that he got angry - round and round that circle goes - and to be aware that "anger" can take subtle forms - what would I do if I were not angry at all - do that. Wait patiently is my best hope.
I have been studying the bible again a little bit - I quit for a long time, as I decided it was just one of many things that could help a person find truth about the Big Mystery - and it seemed like it just led me around in circles, I got tired of that game - I thought I'd get better strength other places. But in fact, the bible is what I depended on for so long - as with this person, I have a LONG HISTORY with it, and a deep entanglement too - I will not live long enough to get to know anything else as well - and I need something to help me carry on - so I'm back at it.
Was reading in Rev 12 this morning, long story how I got there - reading in Rev a chapter a day with my husband, I had remembered that the Lamb in Greek, the root word is the same as Man, but it's a word only used for "man" in the NT in Rev 12, 2 times. Interesting, isn't it, how Lamb of God and Man of God can be the same? Well in Rev 12, this "man" is the child of the woman clothed with the sun and moon under her feet - she has a crown with 12 stars too. And - she has an adversary - a Red Dragon - yep, I looked up all those words too, for the original language - the burning fixated obsessive thoughts would be my best translation. He has 7 heads all crowned, to me that's perfect understanding - and 10 horns - that's the rule of mathematics and logic, it's all 10 based. Just like those commandments. I had to think where is 12 in nature, was it artificial - I can be a slow bulb lol - the moon waxes and wanes 12 times during the earth's orbit of the sun. Anyway, I'd say the woman is life and the dragon is death - which comes from thinking too much I guess.
I remember a quote from somewhere, nothing better than a good woman, nothing worse than a bad one. (Well duh, you could say the same for men I think.) Because in Christ no male or female, long ago I changed gender to represent something else in my mind - female is Feeling (flesh), male is Reason (spirit) - the union of the two is Christ - Understanding - empathy. I know it is true that there is nothing better than a Good Feeling, and nothing worse than a Bad Feeling. Mere facts cannot compare in either case. If I could learn to master my feelings, that would be the greatest thing ever. The reason I drink to excess, on occasion, is to overrule bad feelings that so often have their way with me. Alcohol is a very poor substitute for understanding, but it's easier to come by.
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Self-Satisfaction - it's the worst thing ever - in your youth - and the best thing ever - in old age. Maybe it's a good thing, any time, when you have learned to judge when you have given your best. A person should always be satisfied with his self, when he's given all he has. (He or she, it's too awkward, if the actresses are all actors nowadays let's all be "he".) Verses, for any of that ilk, the widow and her "two mites" - and how only an unblemished male lamb is an acceptable sacrifice, and you don't offer to god something that cost you nothing. My current Self has cost me everything - my pearl of great price. Of no value to anyone but me. My own cistern if you will.
I will explain about the illustration, how it relates to Self-Satisfaction, near the end of this post.
When I was young, and had done well (got a perfect report card) my father, instead of heaping on the praise, said "did you do your best?" I didn't know what he meant - it's the law of conservation of energy/matter/mortal strength, I gave as little as I had to, to get what I wanted. I had no idea what "my best" was. Now I know. Yes I gave it then, and now - it must always be viewed in light of "what is necessary", it's stupid to spend your whole substance in one day, when you know there will be other days to follow - so conserving my strength wasn't so dumb.
Perfect report cards were the only thing I did well when young - but grown-up life is not about kowtowing to the powers that be. It's about breaking new ground and prevailing - we drive our ships to new lands, shout and cry, valhalla we are coming, we are your overlords - or we will be.
I didn't realize - when I stepped away from "preachers", I was stepping away from all authority. Really on my own. Like the day my father had a stroke - the beginning of his 8 year descent to death, severe alzheimer's, last two years - but in one day he was changed - and I felt I had been out in space, tethered to the space ship, space walking - and someone cut the cord. Thank God I still had authorities to give me structure and occupy my leisure hours - but over time, one by one, they have dropped away - and I am alone.
Solitude - I read somewhere, it's good for genius but bad for character - society perfects character. And I thought, well that's ok, I'd rather be a genius than a character lol. But I also read that solitude curtails thinking - and I believe it - like a stagnant pond, no fresh water flowing in, no stimulus to react and develop new understandings. Is solitude good or bad? I don't know - I'm stuck with it, it's part and parcel of old age - I'm at the beginning of "old age" - it can never be as it was before, my relationships with other people. Not sure it's worse, just not as free and intimate, even with those I love most and know best - there is too much understanding of how one intrudes on the prerogatives of others - the desire to retain one's own domain intact, while doing no violence to that of others - it can make you pretty quiet. In youth, it's all about pierce and be pierced - kind of like sex - another romp of youth. I can do all things - an artificial version of all that youth was, for me - but inside I am alone. I paint youth on the outside as well as I can still, literally - youth is so beautiful. Communion with others is so delightful. But there must be joy in "self satisfaction" too. It's a stage of life ordained for me - for everyone, eventually, I think - we start alone and end the same way, and in a very real sense we are always alone in our own minds - except since we can carry on conversations ("thought") in there, I suspect we are Never Alone<--favorite old hymn, of mine and my grandfather - I didn't know him, just knew his favorite hymns, that and Uncloudy Day, basically the same as Over the Rainbow.
I either do not have the time to write, or the energy/impetus. My life is full of "busy-ness", not supposed to be that way at my age, but necessary for me, to keep the demons at bay. Also have a lot of problems coping with my various injuries. I didn't really feel like writing this morning - but now that I'm doing it, it feels GOOD. I'm NOT really alone -all that I have been through is still with me, the people and the experiences, as Kurt said, I've found my friends, they are in my head - and they come out to play, if I give them a chance. (Kurt was too young to think that way but geniuses mature early, bless their little pointed heads.)
The picture is from a book I picked up at an antique shop - I thought my grandchildren might like it - but now I think it is too weird for them, but NOT FOR ME! This little old woman must be Amelia Bedelia's grandmother - I wish I could meet Peggy Parish and find out if she ever read The Little Old Woman stories. Actually Peggy addresses another issue, it's not about self satisfaction but very gently showing children that the Literal Truth is not The Truth, most of the time. You take the "facts" but then you must THINK BROADLY, and then and only then, Act. The only similarity is Amelia is kind of a moron but she never notices that she's dumb, she's always perfectly pleased with her activities. She is not alone though. Which I think makes her guilty. If you have others to consider, you MUST "repent" when faced with proof of your stupidity. Your failure to Think Broadly.
Oh god oh god, how I love talking to myself. I can say everything, without worrying about offending, or boring someone else. Or being frustrated that I didn't TELL IT ALL. Of course, that's where other people are helpful, not only fresh ideas, but they make your head more Pointed - to get your point into someone else's - but right now it just feels so good to LET IT FLY, I've felt so sequestered, stifled - and sad. Talking helps a lot.
Well - this Little Old Woman - is all alone. The author, Hope (what a great name that is - another story I read lately though, The Torture of Hope - it is our Salvation and our Torment too, but that's off topic - the danger of writing Alone, hard to stay the course), dedicated the book to her son - she meant it from her heart, it is obvious - and yet perfectly INSANE - it's an old book but that doesn't matter, people were not any crazier in 1935 - and it went through at least nineteen printings, my copy is from 1962. I just thought of a developmental state of young children - at first they are babies who discover their hands and feet floating out in space, seemingly, to them anyway- then they notice Mama (god?), and it's all about nagging Mama for what they want - and the list of "wants" is ENDLESS - if you've ever been a mom, you know! Then they see other children - at first a mix of delight and shying away, then they learn to play side by side - not together mind you, but "parallel" - observing, perhaps mimicking, perhaps not - then at about age 3, they start to Commune. Well my communal abilities have broken down, I can't play with others - second childhood, the long descent - one day I'll lose control of the bowel functions again I guess.
When I jettisoned all the authorities (and God Knows I didn't understand what I was doing at the time, He Leadeth Me oh blessed thought, he led me into Egypt and out again), I did not realize I would be alone as a result. It's like the only thing that allows us to be Together is an External Head. (A very good reason why the Monarchists had to believe the King could Never Be Wrong - and ditto the commies, "we never make mistakes", if the emperor has no clothes - or is seen to be just one of us - well the body politic will disintegrate mighty quick. Shades of Lord of the Flies (I love the internet, I couldn't think of the name of that book, just typed "uncivilized boys story" into google and VOILA, another feature of old age, losing memory specifics but Google Never Forgets glory hallelujah lol).
But you know, God doesn't take the training wheels off - or bring you out of Egypt - or out of the womb - before you are ready to Breathe and Move and Think on your own. Solitude is All Right, when you are ready for it. Self- satisfaction is all right too, when there is no one who can help you, and you have learned what your Best is, and how to access it.
The little old woman - does a lot of bizarre things, trying to meet her own needs - I won't detail them here - maybe in another post - ok one, just to show you her "thinking" - she picks bright red berries to brighten her home ("How the Little Old Woman Brightened Her Home", actually from a different book, The Little Old Woman Who Used Her Head and Other Stories, I loved her so, I bought whatever else I could find online, that was it!), and picks up a half dead crow at the same time, takes him home to nurse him back to health. As he recovers he eats her berries, darn it! She tries to set him free but he won't leave her house. She makes him a cage and he doesn't like it - so - her remedy in extremity, ever and always, "use her head" lol - she always wraps a wet towel around her head and puts her finger on her nose (see illustration) and voila the Bright Idea. She puts the berries in the cage, and lets the crow fly around - she is Perfectly Satisfied with the Outcome - when she knows she has done Her Best. (The wet towel nose finger trick.) For most people I guess the Best is praying for wisdom - kind of the same maybe. I hadn't done that in a while, I felt that "He" is Honor Bound to leave me to my own devices. But I do pray sometimes now. To ask for help when my faith in My Best grows weak.
I sure hope some day to be able to commune with others again, from the heart, without hesitancy. It was heaven itself. I feel the same feeling now, a little bit, when I gather with others around things that resonate with my own heart, great works of art - great to me that is, like this little old woman story lol. I did not realize that leaving the obvious authorities would cut me off from a lot of other things, I hate preaching, condescension, deliberate attempts to "better" others with a near-vengeance now - i.e., confrontation with such things makes me want to wreak vengeance - I must stay away - most serious books, serious films, they are off limits to me now. They either want to change your behavior or drag you into their peculiar misery. I have enough misery, I only look for Hope now. Even if it does torture me. (What gives me hope- portraits of Human Reality that agree with my own experiences, so I am NOT ALONE. That's all I ask for, please no advice or predictions. So damned presumptuous.)
*wraps wet towel around head and puts finger on nose*
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Lifetime
