October 13, 2012
I am both. I haven’t written here in a long time, at least not publicly. I’ve had a few readers, and was afraid of being “a curse”. It takes free time to gather thoughts and hone them as well, something I have not had much of, for a long time. I also feared hurting myself by giving expression to dark thoughts/feelings. Keep those things buried.
Well, this morning I have time, and I have a bit of peace to share. I wish I could put it in a poem, as it’s a bit too convoluted and illogical to be prose. But I’m no poet.
“To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.” I think, the love of life and the love of death are inextricably intertwined. If I stop having “hopes” i.e. desired outcomes, such that I will be sad if they do not come to pass, that feels like DEATH to me. Yet having very intense such hopes makes life an agony. What if something goes wrong, constantly droning in one’s mind, as the Thing Desired is SO IMPORTANT.
Well, I think nothing “under the heaven” is THAT important. I checked, there are lots of things Above the Heavens, see Ps 148 for example. (Please forgive the bible quoting if you can, necessary for me to express what I’m thinking in at least somewhat common/familiar terms.) As long as we are under the heaven, we may hope and dream, but with a gentle intensity, otherwise we don’t last long. I feared taking that philosophical perspective might make anyone who embraced it ineffectual – but that is not so – softness can penetrate where hardness can never go. Sometimes the Hard can effect a purpose, but there is a lot of collateral damage. I am too old to effect that kind of change, at least not deliberately.
My dear son told me, after his second suicide attempt, when asked WHY??? (he took an overdose, was in the ER at the time), said he was convinced he was NOTHING BUT A CURSE. And the best thing he could do was remove himself from this world. That, my friends, is despair, in its deepest form. It would take too long to explain all that was behind his statement, but it was a little like the game of Hearts, a game I HATE btw. Either you must win every heart, or none. In his mind, if he wasn’t god, he was nothing. The healthy mind is a little bit god, a little bit not god. Sort of like an alternating current – sometimes I know what’s what, I know how to get the effect I know is right VOILA I’M GOD. Sometimes – I don’t know what is going to happen, I don’t know what effect I should try to achieve, and I have no idea how to achieve such effect even if I knew what it was – “the people that have walked in darkness”, me at such times. Voila I’m not god, I’m nothing. As long as I stay vewwy quiet and don’t move a muscle, maybe I won’t do any harm. Well, at such times, I really do try to be still and know that someone else is god, it’s not me babe. AND – I always have a little domain I can retreat to, where I know what to do and how to do it, where I can be a blessing and not a curse. I can make dinner, I can draft legal pleadings, I can dress up, tidy my dwelling, beautify it here and there, yay me. But I do not know what to do in a lot of very important things, and I’m trying not to care too much about things beyond my ken.
A bible verse that once entranced me, about the Power of the Tongue, takes on new meaning this morning:
Therewith bless we God, even the Father; and therewith curse we men, which are made after the similitude of God. ~James 3:9. Well, when it’s something EVERYBODY DOES, there must be a good reason behind it. We like “god”, we wouldn’t call him that if we didn’t, sort of means “good”. And all around us, people are opposing our vision of The Good, so we CURSE THEM. A little cursing is all right, a little chafing smooths the roughness, polishes the carbon life form, but it’s the INTENSITY that is … well I hesitate to call ANYTHING “wrong”, but it is intensity that I am wary of, at this time. Though I have loved intense people, so much. Still do. It ain’t me babe though.
The idea I was trying to preserve with this post was that what I thought was Good Life is really a kind of Dead Death – a vision that must come to pass, that cannot be altered. Only death is unalterable. And Life is all about Change. Changed from Glory into Glory. Perpetual Change. (Perpetual sounds like death again, but I think there is Perpetual Life/Change.) I am confronting yet another big change, next weekend my youngest son moves back home after being away 14 months. He has finished a job program and will be looking for work. My Hope is that he finds it, that he gets to be an independent successful adult. But I hold that dream loosely in the palm of my hand, so God can put more in, as a wise dear woman once suggested to me. Whatever comes, I will accept it peacefully. That idea is ALL OVER THE PLACE. The only path to peace. Tool lyrics (Lateralus), Nirvana (Opinion), Buddhism (“freedom from desire”) – and…drum roll…THE BIBLE…did you know, the Lewd Women castigated all over Ezekial, in the Hebrew mean “thinking, has a plan” – and “women” in my mind are the feelings – letting your feelings run the show, bad idea, the Man is the Head of the Woman, the Reason – when the Man Knows, let him RIDE. And when he doesn’t, lay low.