February 13, 2013
I have often had something to say or a NEED to say something – but no time at that moment – and when the moment passes so have my thoughts – I am struggling and believe if I wrote more often I’d be stronger – so I am going to try – for my own sake alone. I used to write online A LOT – but I went to work full time in 2004 – not long after starting this blog – continued to write but have slowly run out of steam – trying to re-stoke the furnace. Gat no heat as it were.
Life siphons off life – heat is life, heat, light, enthusiasm, understanding, desire – all that stuff is “life” – and for most of us it doesn’t disappear all at once – but is gradual. I guess it’s good. I told my sister once, life is a matter of being given everything, taking it all for granted – and then gradually bit by bit it is taken away – and when it is gone, you realize how wonderful it was – so true with people, but things too. We are too rushed, too limited, to really attend to all the things in our lives at a given moment – it seems only the painful things get much attention, so it seems like hell. But it isn’t not really. Pardon the “we” business – it’s one of my “things” that we are all in this together and what is true and real for me is pretty much the same for everyone else. I could be wrong, but no one has proved it to me yet.
I am at work now – and should be working – I waste a lot of time at work surfing the net to no purpose – I think a little self expression will help me more. My big stressors – not the same for you I’m sure, but I’m sure you have some big ones too – my son’s death, his becoming a fading memory – a questioning of all reality because he was so big to me and he’s gone now, will be 7 years in May – my youngest son’s struggles to become an independent adult – he’s got a good job – but is living back at home with us and still needs to pass another exam to be licensed in GA – he’s licensed in SC but that’s not enough – he has no significant other and he’s 27 – many friends but not sure he won’t plummet into despair at any moment – I guess I see myself reflected in him – he may be doing fine, what do I know – my sister’s struggles caring for our mother, 4 1/2 years now, alzheimers which has gotten much worse over the last six months – barely speaks now, spits at my sister, doesn’t toilet herself, barely eats – my sister is trying to place her in a nursing home and is losing her mind having her mother 24/7 so hostile – and I feel so guilty she has born the weight of it – but not guilty enough to say ok you’ve done enough let me take over – we couldn’t make the decision to send her to “a home” and now we tremble in fear that they may not accept her. My physical pain – I broke my ankle for the second time 3 years ago today. It was HELL – but one of those things where you have NO CHOICE but to “soldier on” – my boss’s expression – I fell again last January in a meter hole and injured it again – but never went to the doctor – since then I have had serious pain in the knee of the other leg – and on and off “shin splints” – it’s funny how one’s strength and courage is sapped by physical pain – it’s a constant battle to keep weight down, exercise enough, find the right shoes – sometimes I win a battle sometimes I lose – but I keep fighting – one thing my mother’s illness has shown me – how precious it is to be in command of one’s own body and one’s own mind – I think I don’t have any control over either – I don’t have all I want – but I have a lot. Be content with such things as ye have so it says. God knows I’m trying. One happy thought I had this morning – I can’t decide whether I have any faith or not, whether life goes on or not – but I do know in an extremity I cry out for H E L P . And then I think, if I asked more often I’d get more help – but then I realized – I believe – that he/she/it knows my inner desires/needs better than me – just need to relax – let it be – let it bleed – being is bleeding, that’s all. God bless us every one, fight the good fight you guys.